The Uprooted Root

“There was a time where I looked at you for support, and there you were holding me tight, little did I realize that you were trying to uproot me”….

For a long time, I had a plan, I had a vision, and for awhile, it all went according to plan. But somehow, along the way, I lost more than I gave and of all the things I lost, losing myself was the unexpected cost. I keep retracing my steps, I keep going back and forth, back and forth to see where I went wrong. I blamed the people I trusted, I blamed the person I thought “for better or for worse” and most of all, I blamed myself. Not once did I ever thought of looking over my shoulder towards a person that I vowed to, in trusting, to have my back. Not only did I feel every inch of every knife that punctured from behind, but it was positioned right along my spine where I couldn’t even move forward let alone walk. Every stabbing carried a little of betrayal, infidelity, lies, lust, and even a little bit of brokenness.

The past few years of my life have been some sort of reality that just doesn’t seem real or even logical enough to believe. Sometimes I myself can’t believe all the things I have seen and been through. Sure we all go through things and we all live in this monstrous world full of good people, and honestly with all that has happened, I’m not surprised anymore in why monsters exist, after all, living in a monstrous world, their ought to be some monsters among us. It all had happened so fast! One minute it was a walk in a park and the next it was holes in the wall and many unknown numbers. How can an ” I love you” turn into a “I’m leaving” in a matter of just hours let alone seconds.

There’s a fine line between desire and destruction. Everyday for the past few years, I was torn between the two. There came a time where I couldn’t even tell the difference. It came a moment where I even crossed it. Do you ever wonder how far you strayed away from who you used to be. Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize the reflection staring back. I often wonder how our circumstances become so chaotic that it changes a person to become someone they feared of becoming.

My life wasn’t suppose to be this way. Right?

I thought for the longest that I was suppose to fight for my marriage no matter the cost. And that right there was my biggest mistake. I fought for something that I should’ve been learning to let go of.

I know we can all relate one way or another in my situation. But that is what I hate about life sometimes, not knowing when to let go and when to hold on. There were nights where I felt like I was drowning in my own tears in desperation of longing for someone that I knew deep inside wasn’t even wasting a second thinking of me.

I.. BROKE.. MY.. OWN.. HEART.

When we plant a seed or anything in general. There is only so much we can control. When I planted myself in my marriage. Over time , I lost control of me. And the thing about control, you never see yourself losing it. That is why the situation became dangerous. Over time of trying to build our unique careers , build a marriage, and figuring out our life at our early twenties.

In the process of the life we were building, we also became different people. I knew that the people that once upon a time who met at the park were going to be different from the people we were slowly becoming.

But somewhere along the way, instead of growing together, he decided to grow individually to the point where I was no longer in his frame of the picture. We became different in aspects of the fact that one was becoming aware of the life that CAN be lived as a blessing together, while the other was becoming to understand his own logic of the high that was attached to his career, he stopped looking at the person that chose him over everything.

CONTROL..

We want it. But once we lose it, everything on the line becomes blurry. There wouldn’t be a line some won’t cross. There wouldn’t be any trust that one won’t be betray. The truth is, the uprooted root was never planted. With that being said, the soil was never able to grasp the seed that I thought was going to grow.

For once, the truth began to unravel starting with one phone call on the night of January 21, 2021…

He said…

-RaeUtu thoughts ❤️‍🔥