The Unwavering Root..

Growing up, there was a saying that my grandma used to always say to us when things are said that we couldn’t take back.. it goes a little something like “A Rock may wither But Words will not”…

For my Samoan readers and supporters, the saying is “E pala le ma’a, ae le pala le Tala”

“I don’t love you anymore.. I married you to prove a point.. That is not my home, you are not my home… I want a divorce..”

My heart fell out of chest. My emotions were everywhere. There was no fight. No separation. Just straight to a divorce.

So many thoughts ran through my mind in a jist of just 3 seconds.

Was I not worth some counseling? Was our son not worth “US” fighting for. Were the past almost 3 years of our life just a “point” to prove… How could a person have lead me for this long only to leave a family we were building?

It doesn’t make sense.. God why?

I was so hurt with just those words that I desperately tried to cry as silently as I could. I even found my way to mute myself on the phone and yet even then, I felt my silent cries were louder than the laughter of the happiest person I wish I was in that moment.. I held my hand over my own mouth and ached in a pain that felt like it had no end.

After all that has happened, why was I surprised?

Why did I think fairy tales happened for me? Why did I think it was my turn for the “happy ending”..

Plans…..

We all have these things called “PLANS”…

And that’s exactly why I was surprised. I saw hope, I saw prosperity, I saw a storm that will come to pass..

Why didn’t he?

Throughout this course of my life and marriage, I was completely broken in ways where one could NOT even imagine.. I made myself so small . I belittled so much of what was happening to me that I almost lost my son in the midst of this storm. I became so blind and numb to the hurt and pain of what was being done to me that it completely broke the morals I had left intact.

It started off slow.. If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t even notice the damages until the damage was done. Seeing the bruises over my tattoo and even that was not enough for me to notice my abuse. Seeing the many endless messages from women on his phone and there I was still finding an excuse to excuse his wrong.

When was enough going to be enough?

Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when he was caught in his first white lie? Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when he was caught with his first affair? Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when he kicked me so hard in the drive way while pregnant with our son that I had to crawl back in my own home while being called “dramatic”, even though he saw the swelling and bruising of what he did seconds later. Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when I spent most of my pregnancy alone as if I created my son all on my own. Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when a man contacted me with proof that my “so called husband” was fooling around with him as well? Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when he choked me while feeding our son due to the fact he got caught with another young 19 year old? Why wasn’t enough enough for me when I found out that our baby boy wasn’t his first , second or even third child? Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when I found out he wasn’t even Dominican? Why wasn’t “enough” enough for me when the man I thought I loved said “Your dad didn’t even love you enough to be healthy”.

Why wasn’t “enough” ENOUGH for me?

Simple… I belittled myself so much that the more “enough’s” I overlooked, the easier it was for me to surrender my faith for him. The crazy thing with it all, I blamed myself for not being enough. Crazy the irony within this.

Overtime, as life unravels before us, change becomes forced if it’s not done ourselves.. and that is what happened…

Enough was ENOUGH…

I …