The Seed 🤍

There’s a story about two farmers who both prayed to God to send the rain. One prepared his field and the other just did nothing. There’s a point I want to make about these farmers, but we will put that on hold for a minute.

I wish I could say that I walked away with my head held high. I wish I could say that I accepted my situation and kept moving forward. I had to draw up all the courage and strength I had left, and it wasn’t much. The little I had, only took me as far as my faith did in that moment of my life. To think that I had nothing left to lose, was such an understatement.

What did I do God to deserve what I was going through? That’s the question that went in circles in my head.

He left for the final time in April of 2021. Hours before he left, I gave him an ultimatum.

Pause. (Let me give you the picture before my great idea of the ultimatum came… insert sarcasm..) When he returned home from his fight camp, he had two phones. Literally took both of them everywhere. When we returned home from dinner, he left one of them in the kitchen while he went to the restroom. I of course seized the opportunity and hid the phone.. yes, not my greatest plan of course. He must have realized his second phone missing cause he came running in the kitchen and started looking for it. Okay… let’s press play.

I will give you your other phone BUT, I just want ONE thing. Tell me the truth about everything all the way up to this moment of our marriage or I’m not giving this other phone back.

When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I was mistaken. He picked up his other phone and made a call. Instead of the truth being set free, I had the cops on my front door. Yes, he called the cops instead of being honest. I was in such disbelief, I couldn’t even grasp that my coworkers were on my porch. So many emotions ran through my body. Embarrassment for the fact that I’m now explaining the situation to my coworkers about why my husband called them. Instead of telling me the truth to get his other phone , he called them, the police.

You ever heard the saying or phrase where you sometimes feel like you’re so exposed, it’s almost like having surgery and you’re awake watching it all. You can’t move or talk. You’re just laying there while others are operating on your body. That’s how it was in my house that night.

Hurt. I felt so hurt. To look at my son walking around the house with cops keeping his parents apart. The yelling. The betrayal.

I picked up my son with tears running down my cheeks. I went into the pantry, got the phone and he took it and walked out the door. I gave my information to my coworkers and apologized in such humiliation for them having to see my home life. As I tried to refrain from any more tears, my voice cracked with watered eyes, I looked over to my son in my arms and said “I’m so sorry”..

Before my sergeant left my home, I will never forget what he said. As tears are starting to rain down my cheeks, he took my son from my arms, placed a hand on my shoulder and said, “Make a new puzzle with the pieces you have left”.

There is so much that has happened. So many details that I wish I didn’t remember. I wanted it all to just be left as a blur. It took months, nine to be exact for me to finally give it all up.

It wasn’t easy, if you hadn’t already noticed. I packed up my life at my first duty station with slightly a few a good memories and many life lessons. It took nine months to give it all up but it took currently now, to still heal through my past.

There were times I was convinced that I had failed my son. To only have one parent present is not a picture of family I envisioned for myself let alone my child.

It has been almost 3 years since I have written or posted on this blog to finish this series out. 3 years. 3 years to finally move forward.

This deployment has not only changed my perspective on life but it has changed me. I have learned to embrace the beauty in the breaking. To admire the rain as it pours. To forgive the storm while it shouts its thunder. To understand the waiting while wanting. But most importantly , to grow in the circumstances that life placed me in.

For so long , I had prayed for a love so I can love and be loved. I prayed for lasting friendships but yet always found myself distant and alone and by choice. I prayed to heal and yet still found myself triggered. I prayed for the wanting of things and people but little did I realize, I prayed for disappointments.

I wanted all these things and prayed but I was not ready to receive it.

The two farmers prayed to God to send the rain. One prepared its fields, and the other wanted God to send the rain first.

Often times we find ourselves thinking we are ready. We convince ourselves that our fields are prepped for the rain. I thought to myself , I’m ready God. Where is my rain. But I had nothing planted. God did not send the rain, for what was it going to produce?

Life has taught me many things. But this deployment, has helped me become the woman God made me to be. I learned to let go of the pain. I learned to enjoy stillness in the storm. In trueness, I have learned to trust God more in the breaking. I was being broken not realizing, I was being built from ground up. I learned , to truly be planted , and be prepared for my rain.

Legally, 2024, I am now fully divorced. Sole custody of my beautiful son. I left Whidbey island with life lessons. I soon now leave the USS Theodore Roosevelt , San Diego, CA, with no baggage but faith in the God who remains.

I was the seed this entire time. I needed to be ready to receive the rain. God had to prepare me to provide the fruit my tree will soon bear.

Let life teach you. Let love in. Let the laughter shower you. Let peace dwell within you. Let your courage roar. Let your faith move mountains. And most of all, let God be God.

To Italy I go..

My rain finally came…

💝